


Zoetic

by honeybunchesofgoats



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Robots & Androids, Multi, Physical Disability, Polyamory, Robots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-27
Updated: 2015-06-27
Packaged: 2018-04-06 09:07:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4215864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeybunchesofgoats/pseuds/honeybunchesofgoats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My name is Armin and I am learning that physical make up does not always separate one from another, though I don't quite believe it.  My maker is named Mikasa and she is trying to show me that wires are just different forms of veins and electricity is a different form of blood.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Zoetic

My first memory was darkness.  Darker than the deep sea, darker than black holes.  Never ending, ever stretching darkness.  Whirring and grinding of machinery echoed through this darkness, vibrating through my core.  And that was the lullaby to my first memory.

* * *

 

The first time I could see, all I saw was light.  White, blinding light.  Something in the side of my head turned and my vision dilated, and it wasn't so bright anymore.  A shape was in front of me, a blurry black mass, a shadow moving in front of the light.  Another dial turned and my vision became clearer.  There was a human girl looking back at me.  Long, dark hair framed her face and she wore goggles.  The edge of my vision was distorted, blurry, unfocused, the center being the only point of clarity.  She was close, and her face was all I could see as she kept her attention to her tinkering with my vision mechanism.  When her eyes flicked to my sensor, I felt like I was falling.  Behind her goggles, her eyes shone.  They were the color of serenity, a clear grayish blue that had no end.  They seemed to capture the light, hold it inside and emit it back out to the world to those she deemed worthy; a conscious prism.  I knew these were the eyes of my maker, and I knew I was all hers from this moment on.

Wires snapped into place and a burst of static filled me, stopping as abruptly as it came.  A high pitched ringing consumed me, blocking out all my senses.  I couldn't feel my currents, I couldn't feel the machinery clicking and moving inside of me.  I couldn't see anymore.  When the ringing died down, I became aware of new sounds.  The humming of the room, the clink of tools against the floor, the sound of shuffling fabric, the sound of breathing.  My vision flickered back on, and the girl was still there, looking down at me.

_Armin?  Can you hear me?_

Her voice was like her eyes.  Something inside of me whirred, and I could hear it now, a buzz from inside of my chest.  She heard it too and smiled.  I never wanted her to stop smiling, and I decided from this point on, I would make her smile as much as I could.

_Armin?  Can you see me?_

She moved across the room and I tracked her, my sensors following her.  The girl laughed and it sounded like wind chimes, ethereal noises ringing out at random, their music at the mercy of the organic forces of the wind.  It was so utterly human.

_Armin.  My name is Mikasa._

My name is Armin.  My maker is named Mikasa, and she is the most beautiful human.

* * *

 

I understood many things.  The world was like a puzzle, everything fit together in a certain way.  In many instances, humans did not know the best way to fit the pieces together, declaring that the Earth was governed by chaos.  But they were wrong.  Everything had an order, they simply did not recognize the disorganization.  Mikasa said that most humans did not have the ability to solve such complex puzzles, in fact, almost all humans couldn't.  I asked her why they didn't upgrade their RAM or add more hard drive storage.  She laughed then, that laugh I love so much, and told me that humans weren't made of machinery, they only had what they were born with.  I realized then how foolish I was, how even a robot like me could believe that maybe humans and machines were the same.  I amended my mistake and vowed that I would never be caught up in delusions like that again.  From that point on, a sadness fell over me.  It became ever present, an integral part of me, and no matter how many times Mikasa cleaned and maintained my machinery and upgraded my system, it never went away.

My name is Armin and I am a robot who feels human emotions and I am incredibly lonely.

* * *

 

For 839 days, Mikasa worked on me.  Built me from the core out, starting with basic functions like speech, sight, and movement.  She would typically work in silence, inserting a chip into me that contained a novel on it, so I could read while she worked and enjoy her company.  Her touches were careful and gentle, and she always apologized whenever she had to do anything with a drill or hammer.  Every time I assured her it didn't hurt, I couldn't feel anything physical.

She built me in her image.  I had a head like a human's, and it could move like a human's, turning side to side so I had a wider range of vision.  Mikasa said that human's had brains in their heads, a fact I already knew, so that's where she put my processors and memory chip.  I had a torso, where Mikasa put most of my motors and mechanical controls.  She told me humans have hearts in their chests that pumped blood throughout their body, so it made sense to her to put my movement control in my chest as well.  Where a human heart was supposed to sit is where Mikasa put my battery.  She plugged me in every night and caressed my face, her touches like honey and nectar, her eyes soft and kind.  I wish I could feel her touch.

I had arms and legs like a human, hands and feet, fingers and toes like a human.  She was working on my exterior now, building me up to cover my parts, to look less like a robot and more like a human.  I don't understand why she was taking this step, but part of me was excited.  The other part was crushed.  I was not a human and never would be.

_Armin.  This is what you look like._

Mikasa had led me to stand in front of a full length mirror.  I was shorter than her and lighter toned.  She had painted my metal casing a creamy peach color, giving an illusion of warmth.  She had tinted the metal on my face so I had rosy cheeks.  Another illusion to human life.  My sight sensors looked like eyes, a bright blue color, not the faded blue like Mikasa's.  When I turned my light sensors off, a lid came down to cover my eyes, much like a human blink.

_I connected your eyelids to your light sensors.  So when you don't see light, you close your eyes.  Just like when humans close their eyes, they don't see light._

Over my eyes were thick eyebrows that Mikasa painted on.  They weren't thin like hers and were brown, instead of black like hers.  Out of everything she had done to my face, the most intriguing was my hair.  It was shorter than Mikasa's and a bright, golden yellow. _Blond_ , she had called it.  Part of my hair came down over my forehead, cut right before they reached my eyebrows.

_To hide where the wig attaches to your head._

I loved it.

My body was smooth and lacked any human reproduction parts.   For this I was glad.  I was a robot, not a human.  I didn't need those parts nor did I want them.

_You can look at these magazines and tell me what kind of clothing you'd like to wear._

I circled all the clothing that looked soft and grayish-blue, just like her eyes.

My name is Armin and I have short blond hair and blue eyes.  My maker is named Mikasa and I am in love with her.

* * *

 

_Armin, I'd like you to meet someone._

My light sensors switched on and my eyelids lifted, and I adjusted my focus so I could see the room clearly.  A boy the same height and age as Mikasa stood before me.  He had shaggy brown hair, wild and sticking up in all places.  He rested his right arm in a brace attached to a cane, leaning heavily on it.  His other arm was cut off right below his elbow.  He had no hand on that arm.  His left leg was twisted and held in a brace that strapped over his clothing.  It had joints and metal parts and springs, just like what was inside my legs.  His other leg stopped at the knee.  He had no foot on that leg.

_This is Eren.  He is very special to me._

Eren had big eyes.  They were a green-blue, just like the ocean.  They sucked in the light, capturing it in their shimmering depths.  I wanted to swim in his gaze forever.

_Hi, Armin!_

His voice was deeper than Mikasa's and louder.  It was clear and strong and made my machinery wake up.  I powered on all the way so I could sit up.

Eren tried to take a step, but Mikasa was quick to stop him and guided him to sit in a wheelchair.  She pushed him up to the table I sat on and he reached up with his one hand.

_You're so pretty, Armin._

My looks have never been discussed, apart from when Mikasa was building me, and I hadn't thought a robot could be thought of in such a way.  I touched his hand with my own and he laced our fingers together.  I've done this with Mikasa many times before.  Hand holding was a gesture of affection, of caring, of not wanting to lose the other.  I held Mikasa's hand when we'd talk about things I've read, about food and her attempt to describe the concept of taste.  I held her hand when we'd talk about everything and nothing to pass the time.  I held Mikasa's hand when I told her I loved her, and she held my hand when her eyes sparkled and she said _I love you, too_.

Eren held my hand and looked into my eyes, and I resisted the urge to look away.  Humans were strange.  They held so many things inside of their eyes, and Eren's eyes were aflame, never resting, radiating energy.  His eyes were so alive.  I wonder if he saw anything in my eyes.  I wonder if he could see my lens, my mechanics, my wires.  Would they have the same impact on him as his insides had on me?

I knew it was a very human custom to respond to a compliment with another compliment.  I thanked him and told him I liked his leg brace.  It was very pretty, as well.  Eren laughed, and it was like crystal, loud, echoing glass, melodic and sharp.  I couldn't look away from this boy I had just met and his ringing laughter.

_See, Armin?  Humans can have robot parts.  Just like you have human parts!_

I relayed the information that my human parts were synthetic.  They were shaped to fit the form of a human, but they were not alive.

_But you are alive._

Eren delivered his statement with such force, such absolution.  I said I did not have flesh or blood, or a heart.  I showed him my outlet, where I plugged my charger in every night before I powered down.

_Armin, you are alive.  You have a name and a personality.  You may not be made of flesh and blood like me, but you are alive.  I can see it in your eyes._

My eyes were made of glass.

_I can see it, Armin._

I shut my light sensor off and my eyelids shut.  What could Eren see?  Surely, he was mistaken.  There was no life in synthetic parts.  The familiar sadness and longing wrapped around my shoulders, a metaphorical blanket that comforted me, reminded me that even though it hurt, it was okay.  It was just how things were.  I wish I could feel Eren's hand in mine.  I wish I couldn't only feel things on the inside.  But perhaps that's what Eren was talking about.  He saw I could feel something.  Perhaps he was right.  Perhaps I could believe him.

My name is Armin and I am alive.

* * *

 

_Armin, look!_

Eren held up his arm in front of my face.  I admired the prosthetic limb attached to his elbow.  It looked much like my forearm before Mikasa put my outer casing around it.

_Pretty cool, huh?  'Kasa builds amazing things, doesn't she?_

Eren had looked at Mikasa with admiration and she had bent down and kissed him, cradling his face much like she did to me when she maintained my systems.

_One day I hope to afford those arms that connected with your motor skills or whatever so I can move my fingers!  Imagine that, Armin!  I could use my arm again!_

I asked him how he lost his arm.

_Eren saved me._

Mikasa had stopped what she was building and her eyes were starting to water.  I knew that humans cried when they felt strong emotions.

_Aw, 'Kasa, let me tell the story.  The orphanage we lived in was a very old house and the owners didn't have the money to upkeep it.  One day part of it collapsed, luckily we were outside playing, but Mikasa was standing right under the awning with her back turned.  She didn't see the house falling in time so I pushed her out of the way.  Luckily I survived and here I am!_

I asked him if it had hurt.

_It hurt more than anything I've ever felt in my life.  But it was only physical pain.  Mental pain is much stronger, and even though I can't walk anymore and my remaining leg sometimes kills like a motherfucker, I'm happy.  I have Mikasa, and now I have you, too._

I asked him if I helped him feel happy.

_Duh, Armin.  You and 'Kasa are my best friends._

I told him that he and Mikasa made me feel happiness as well.  Mikasa held her chin proudly as she gazed upon me.  Eren beamed, his face lighting up the room, and pulled me down off the table.

_Eren, careful._

I let myself be pulled to his chest and his arms wrapped around me, his hand clutching to my shirt and his prosthetic laid across my back.  I couldn't imagine that hard metal could be comfortable to embrace, but then again, I had no personal experience to base that assumption on, so I allowed him to hold me and wished harder than I ever had before that I could know what it felt like.

My name is Armin and I am in love with Eren.

* * *

 

I spent my days watching Mikasa fit Eren with different prosthetics for his missing leg.  He still needed canes to walk with because his other leg couldn't hold his weight.  Nothing was more thrilling than when Eren took his first steps after weeks of trying.  His laughter combined with Mikasa's was intoxicating.

_Look!  I did it!  I walked!  Look, Armin, I can walk again!_

I clapped and cheered for him and Mikasa took my hand.  I looked over to her and she was crying again, and I hugged her, holding her to my chest and rubbing her back, a thing I saw her do to Eren a lot.

_Hey, Armin, what about my hug?  I'm the one walkin', after all!_

I got up and hugged Eren, minding his arms in their braces, and tucked my chin onto his shoulder.  I had to stand on my tip toes to reach him and I was careful not to pull him down and make him lose his balance.

_Love you, Armin._

My parts whirred, electricity running through me.

_'Kasa, can you get my chair, my arms are getting tired._

Mikasa helped him settle into his wheelchair and then helped him remove his prosthetics.  Eren rubbed his forearm, massaging the scar that closed off the stump of his arm.

_Was it rubbing?_

Mikasa knelt down and took Eren's arm in her hands.

_A little.  But I'm sure I'll build callous up._

I could see Mikasa's mind working, thinking of ways to make his prosthetic more comfortable.

_Hey, Armin, that was pretty neat, huh?_

I told him that I agreed very much with his statement.  He wheeled himself over to me and reached up, running his fingers along my jawline.

_Mikasa's building me up, just like she built you._

I covered his hand with mine and he immediately entwined our fingers.

_You really are something, Armin._

My name is Armin and I think Eren loves me back.

* * *

 

I remembered the first time I saw a sunset.  I had been only partly built then, lacking arms and legs.  Mikasa had carried me outside to sit with her on the grass.  She held me in her lap, wrapping her arms around me and resting her chin on my head, which still had no hair at the time.  I had never expected the sun to look so beautiful.  The sun was a bright star that kept the Earth alive.  I thought it would have been like the wire to my battery, but it painted the sky in vibrant colors as the earth rotated, leaving it behind.  The closer the horizon crept to the sun, the deeper the colors became, bright oranges and pinks turned into dark reds and purples.  The fading light shone on the clouds, and the edges glowed with the reflecting light, giving the dark water masses bright, colorful outlines.

It was breathtaking.

It was unfair.

Human's life source was beautiful and otherworldly.  Mine was a wire and an invisible current.

I insisted on watching the sunset every night.  I sat between Eren and Mikasa, my hands always in one of theirs.  I expressed my jealousy of their sun to them.

_Armin, it's your sun, too._

Mikasa's voice was soft.  Eren looked at me with something cloudy in his eyes.  I told them it wasn't.  I could live on without the sun.

_But if the sun never existed, then you wouldn't have either!  Everything is connected, Armin._

Eren's eyes were clear again and they burned.  Mikasa nodded her head in agreement with Eren's statement.

_It's true, Armin.  You might not need to sun to continue living, but without the sun, you wouldn't have come into existence._

To prove their point, Eren and Mikasa sat me out on the porch one day during a summer thunderstorm.

_Watch the sky._

There was a flash and lightening cracked its way through the clouds, lighting everything up intensely for a second.

_See, Armin?  Electricity.  Like what flows through you.  You may be manmade, but you are part of this world._

Eren held my hand tighter than usual.  I could tell because his knuckles were turning white.  Mikasa watched the storm, her profile strong and confident, her eyes absolutely filled with passion when lightening lit them up.  For the first time, I didn't feel small.  With Eren and Mikasa, I felt as big as the thunderstorm.

My name is Armin and I am a robot who belongs in this world.

* * *

 

_Could you feel that?_

I shook my head after Eren pulled away.

_Eren, he doesn't have touch sensors._

Eren wasn't discouraged and he pressed his lips to my mouth again.  I shut my light sensor off and tried to concentrate, but despite my built in heat sensors telling me Eren was 98.2 degrees Fahrenheit, I could not feel it.  I flicked my light sensor back on and watched Eren pull away a second time, his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes a shimmering deep green.

_Nothing?_

I told him nothing physically.  His face fell.  I took his hand and reminded him that physical is only physical, mental touch is much stronger.  Those were his words, after all.  His eyes lit up, and I was in the ocean, floating through their deep rays of blues and greens.

_So you felt something inside?_

I nodded my head and held my hand to my chest, where my battery was, where a heart would be if I were a human.  I told him he always made me feel something inside.  He and Mikasa both.  It felt like a surge, like I had two batteries instead of one.

_That's a good thing, right?_

I nodded my head and he laughed.  I told him that his and Mikasa's laugh had the same effect on me.  I felt something inside when they smiled and expressed their happiness, just like I felt something inside when Eren kissed me just now.

_So me and 'Kasa can kiss you all we want now?_

I nodded my head.  I told him it would be the natural thing to do.

I turned to Mikasa and held out my hand.  I told her how silly it was for such an unnatural being to say something they did was natural.  She shook her head.  I told her that I was never an amoeba swimming in the tide pools of life all those billions of years ago.  I told her I was never part of the evolution process, I was never born.  I was inorganic.  I was unnatural.  I was not upset by this, I was just pointing out the irony.

_Armin.  You may not have been born, you may not have ancestors dating back down the evolutionary timeline.  But you have energy.  That energy that flows through your wires, that sparks when you touch an outlet, it's the same energy running through me.  That amoeba, all those billions of years ago, gave off energy.  And that very energy is still here, in your electrical current, in my beating heart.  Armin.  We share the same energy, we are kept alive by the same life force, only in different forms._

She held my outstretched hand in hers.  I asked her why she built me.

_I had to.  I had to house what I was feeling inside.  Armin, you are the embodiment of my love._

* * *

 

My name is Armin and I was built from love, energy, and life.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Side note, while looking up words for the title I discovered the name Zoe means "life," hence the definition of zoetic. Pretty fitting for Hanji, huh?


End file.
